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It's Not a Gaming Session Until Someone Quotes Monty Python
}} Roy decides to get a substitute weapon, but instead gets an empty shop and a wiseass owner. Cast * Roy Greenhilt ◀ ▶ * Jiminy ▶ * Jiminy's Cat ▶ * A Dead Parrot * A Python Transcript Roy: Good morning! Jiminy: Good morning, sir! Welcome to the Polearm Emporium! Roy: Thank you, my good man. Jiminy: What can I do for you, sir? Roy: My greatsword seems to have been rent in twain, and being as my venture to reconstruct it has been temporarily quelled, I require a suitable proxy for my broken behest. Jiminy: Eh? Roy: I need a new weapon. Jiminy: Certainly, sir! What can I get for you? Roy: Well, I've always wanted to try a ranseur. Jiminy: I'm afraid we're fresh out of ranseurs, sir. Roy: Never mind, how about a good halberd then? Jiminy: I'm afraid we never have them this time of year. We get newly forged ones in the spring. Roy: Hmmm. Well, stout yeoman, a sturdy trident, if you please. Jiminy: Ah! They've been on order for two weeks, sir. I was expecting them this morning. Roy: It's not my lucky day, is it? A partisan, then. Jiminy: Sorry, sir. Roy: Awl pike? Jiminy: Sorry. Roy: Bill hook? Jiminy: No. Roy: Any corseques, perchance, bat-wing or otherwise? Jiminy: Ummm... No. Roy: Fauchard? Jiminy: No. Roy: Military fork? Jiminy: No. Roy: Fauchard-forks? Jiminy: No. Roy: Naginata? Nagamaki? Fukoro yari? Jiminy: No. Roy: Voulge, perhaps? Jiminy: Ahh! We have voulges, yessir. Roy: You do!?! Excellent! I'll have one of them. Jiminy: Yes. It's... oh, it's a bit heavy. Roy: Oh, I like heavy weapons. Jiminy: Well... it's very heavy, actually. Roy: No matter! Fetch hither the voulge. Jiminy: I think it's a bit heavier then you like it, sir. Roy: I don't care how frelling heavy it is, hand it over. Jiminy: OK, here it is— Jiminy: Ohhhh! Termites got it. Ate the handle straight through. Roy: ... Roy: Did they? Jiminy: Yes. Quite the problem 'round here. Roy: ... Roy: Scythe? Jiminy: No. Roy: Bardiche? Jiminy: No. Roy: Poleaxe? Jiminy: No. Roy: Lochaber axe? Jiminy: No. Roy: Bohemian earspoon? Jiminy: Not today, sir, no. Roy: You do HAVE some polearms don't you? Jiminy: Of course. It's a polearm shop. We have— Roy: No, no! I'd like to guess. Jiminy: Fair enough. Roy: Bec de corbin? Jiminy: No. Roy: Ox tongue? Jiminy: Mmmm... No. Roy: Spetum? Jiminy: Yes, definitely. Roy: Ah, well, I'll have one of those, then. Jiminy: Oh! I thought you were asking if I'd spayed the cat. Roy: ... Jiminy: Just good sense, y'know. Roy: ... Cat: Meow? Roy: Glaive? Jiminy: No. Roy: Guisarme? Jiminy: No. Roy: Glaive-guisarme? Jiminy: No. Roy: Guisarme-glaive? Jiminy: No. Roy: Glaive-guisarme-glaive? Jiminy: No. Roy: Glaive-glaive-glaive-guisarme-glaive? Jiminy: I think you're drifting into another sketch, sir. Roy: Ah, how about the longspear? Jiminy: Don't have much call for longspears. Roy: Don't have much—It's the single most popular polearm in the world! Jiminy: Not around here, sir. Roy: Oh? And what's the most popular polearm around here? Jiminy: Lucern hammers, sir. Roy: Sigh. Do you have an lucern hammers? Jiminy: Nnnnnnnnnno. Fresh out. Roy: That one was my fault, really. I should have known better by now. Roy: Have you, in fact, got any polearms here at all? Jiminy: Yes, sir. Roy: Really? Jiminy: No. Not really, sir. Roy: You haven't Jiminy: No sir. Not a one. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir. Roy glares at the owner. Roy: You realize that if I could actually purchase a weapon, I would stab you with it now? Jiminy: The irony is staggering, sir, yes. D&D Context * The Nomenclature of Pole Arms was an article by D&D creator Gary Gygax which first appeared in Dragon magazine #22. It was subsequently included as an appendix to Gygax's final contribution to D&D before being forced out of TSR, the 1985 AD&D (1st edition) rules supplement, Unearthed Arcana. For many players this was their first introduction into the varied world of medieval pole arms. Most of the non-silly types of pole arms mentioned in this strip are categorized in this article. Trivia * As referenced in the title, the entire comic is a recreation of Monty Python's Cheese Shop Sketch, in which a man attempts to buy some cheese at a cheese shop. * The animals that appear in the foreground each have their own meaning: ** The (dead) parrot is a reference to the Dead Parrot Sketch. ** A cat was mentioned in the original sketch for having eaten one of the cheeses. ** The snake is a reference to the group's name, "Monty Python". * Roy's increasingly complex "glaive-guisarme" requests are a reference to another Monty Python sketch, Spam (which is why the shop owner tells him they're drifting into another sketch). The glaive-guisarme is a real type of pole arm, one which "to the heavier and longer glaive head was added a guisarme hook to enable the wielder to jerk horsemen from their seats." * In the original sketch, the customer actually pulls out a gun and kills the shop owner. * The "glaive glaive glaive guisarme glaive" originally appeared in a mock "Random Polearm Generation" table, published in The Space Gamer #74, May/June 1985, by Steve Jackson Games. The table was an entry by a reader named Jim Simons into a "Write a table for generating something useless" contest. The entries were also reprinted in the collection Murphy's Rules. * This is the first appearance of Jiminy, the proprietor of the Polearm Emporium, as well as his cat. Much later, in #942, it is revealed that the shopkeeper's name is Jiminy, and he is actually Haley's cousin, being the son of Geoff and Ivy, Ian Starshine's sister. External Links * 136}} View the comic * link|994982}} View the discussion thread Category:Sidequest for Starmetal